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Thursday, June 28, 2007

Confessions of a coward...

There's this amazing woman I've known for far too long and not long enough. Every time I see her, my heart breathes, my day seems brighter, in short, all of the symptoms one might expect from, perhaps, love. But other than a brighter gleam in my eye, a goofy smile, and some all too rare genuine expressions of joy, I've never had the courage to tell her how I feel. My life is brighter having her in it, and I could never bring myself to tell her the words, and now it's too late. She's been seriously involved with some guy for a month or two, and hearing her talk about him, I see a light I've only rarely seen in her, and selfish bastard that I can be, all I can do is be glad that she's found someone who can make her happy, who sends her flowers just because she's had a crappy day, who's more of a man than I am. It hurts me deeper than I can express, but I'm happy for her. I wish her well, I wish her all that she's hoped for in life and more, but most of all, I wish I had told her before it was too late. I wish I hadn't been such a fucking coward for too long. This is my confession. This is my burden and my everlasting shame, my private hell of my own making.

1 comment:

Snave said...

It doesn't make you any less of a man, MC. And you're as human as anyone! If she responds to someone else's attentions in the way you would like her to respond to yours, maybe it isn't necessarily the best match for you. I kind of think a lot of it has to do with both parties having the gut feeling that things can happen, possibly long-term things. Destiny? Sounds corny, but I'm not sure there isn't something to that as well.

I can remember many instances in my past similar to what you describe. I won't be Bill Clinton and say "I feel your pain", but I do know it's hell going through something like that. I found it hard to understand why someone as nice as I am (!) wouldn't be as attractive to a girl or woman as much as some dude with a tan, no gut, ripped abs, great pecs, etc. In high school I was always the "nice sweet guy" who was bookish, not athletic, and who lacked in confidence and in many of the social skills necessary to acquire a girlfriend. College wasn't much better... I had matured somewhat, but I still couldn't understand why so many girls would choose "hunky" over "sweet and dedicated". Now, I understand that while I was looking for something permanent, they weren't. The couple of times there might have actually been someone in love with me, I was too uncomfortable and unconfident to respond in appropriate ways, so I'm sure they thought I was an uncommunicative or even rude bastard, which I WAS... because I was so into myself that I couldn't consider their feelings.

At about age 26, I found a good psychologist who helped me fix things a bit. He told me "Somewhere along the line, someone told you that you weren't good at relationships or that you were unattractive to women. It might have been you telling yourself that, or maybe it was someone else telling you. But that is false."

He proceeded to give me weekly assignments, which were mostly just "First, make small talk with women you don't know, and next week tell me how it went" or "This week, ask someone out. It doesn't have to be someone you know all that well, and it doesn't have to be one of the women you made small talk with before. Just get comfortable with asking women out on dates."

I did, and while there were a couple of crushes that didn't pan out, I did gain some confidence.

So before I met my wife, things were getting better but were stil generally miserable. I met her when I was 27, things suddenly got better, and got so good we got married about eight months later. Things have been very good since then, and we are going on 22 years this August.

As trite as this may sound when you're obviously in a time of heartbreak, all I could suggest is for you continue being as patient as you can be. You never know who or what might appear in your life tomorrow. In the meantime, if you can find a good counselor, that can often provide an insight or two, or give you some new ideas. I'm thankful for the old fellow who helped me out way back when. I will always deeply regret that I forgot to invite him to the wedding, because he helped me turn around an important part of my life.

Good luck to you! Don't listen to too much angsty emo! I think the Skunk Anansie is a bit better than what you have linked here, even if what you have here is more a reflection of what you feel. When I'm in an introspective mood, I tend to like to listen to stuff that isn't too introspective. Does that make me similar to Bush, who when he knows he should analyze and synthesize information, instead chooses to work out, play video games, or nap? PROBABLY! 8-)> As fucked up as Dumbya is, there is a little of him in all of us. (Well, maybe not in you or me, anyway!)

Take care, find someone to talk with, and know you have an excellent mind and sense of humor, both of which will be attractive to many women out there!