In honor of the New Year, I have some thoughts I'd like to share.

I could go with the typical bit about New Year's resolutions, but I'll break any I make just like I always do. I could also wax reminiscent about 2005, but the truth of the matter is that it sucked ass. I could even talk about my hopes and dreams of the next year, but any strategist will tell you that plans rarely survive first contact with reality. So instead, I'll go with one of the things I'm best at: Random, very odd, musings.

If I were to become an owner of a major football team, I would change its name to the Hellbeasts, and change the cheerleader outfits to something all leather and skin-tight that would actually make it past the censors, such as that Christine Taylor wore in the movie "Dodgeball." I would change the team colors to two that have only been seen together in the most fevered imaginings of Goya or a medieval artisan's depiction of hell. Whenever my team scored a touchdown, I'd have the giant television show footage from a Gwar, Slipknot, Nine Inch Nails, or A Perfect Circle video and have the cheerleaders grinding in a way that would give a corpse wood (insert Clerks joke here). I would have my football players pointing at the sky, but it would be a two-handed middle fingered salute. Furthermore, I would personally conduct all press conferences after the game, and occasionally, after a victory, I would thank Satan, and then explain that I'm not a Satanist, but I thought Jesus was getting too much credit for kicking ass when he's supposed to be all about love, and dealing out a 42-3 defeat is not love. I would try to make the Raiders of old look like a bunch of pussies. I want to set a league record for team fines and suspensions, and I just want that to be the defensive line. Don't you love the smell of turf in the morning? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!