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Monday, December 31, 2007

Handicapping Election 2008: New Developments. Oh, and FUCK OFF, HUCKABEE!!!

Seriously, could Huckabee have his head any farther up his ass? For fuck's sake, he's the most bigoted Republican in this year's field, and that's saying something in a party that's tacked farther to the right than a see-saw with Rosie O'Donnell on it with her ass facing the east. And speaking of Rosie O'Donnell, she can fuck herself too; God knows she's too fucking ugly and WAY too fucking crazy for her significant other to find her attractive.

Oh, yeah, I was handicapping the race for the White House. Since I've ripped two of my favorite targets new assholes, let's start with the Republicans. They look as disordered as the response to Katrina, and they're facing an almost equally certain disaster. However, jockeying for the captaincy of that particular Titanic are Mitt Romney, Rudy Giuliani, Fred Thompson, John McCain, and Mike Fuckabee, er, Huckabee. First, the easy call is to get the coroner to pronounce Giuliani's campaign dead on arrival. I never thought his campaign would implode that badly, but in the end, he's a moderate Republican with no real message beyond "blah blah blah 9/11", and he once stayed with a gay person or couple, I forget which, when he was estranged from one of his now-ex-wives. Yeah, that'll rally the conservative evangelical Christian wing of the party... the wrong way. Next, Fred Thompson's campaign has been going down in flames like the Hindenberg ever since he officially launched his campaign. Who knew that a former Senator and actor could lack that much eloquence? From the beginning, he stumbled out of the blocks like Senator Kennedy stumbles out of a high-class bar. That leaves Romney, McCain, and Huckabee, and the next easiest is McCain. He looks good in New Hampshire, but I think he's peaking about 8 years too late. He had his time, and now it's over. I really don't see him doing well in the South. Now Romney and Huckabee. As much as I hate that asshole, Huckabee has generated a good deal of support, mainly on the basis of him not being a Mormon and not being Giuliani, Thompson, and McCain. That said, his record as governor of Arkansas will work against him, and we're already seeing that. Finally, Romney, I think is a good man, and served as an excellent governor of Massachusetts. However, and I say this as a Mormon, he's a Mormon, and how many evangelical Christians (and more importantly, independents and Democrats) will vote for a Mormon, regardless of his credentials? Still, he looks good to go in this race. My pick: Too close to call between Huckabee and Romney.

On the other hand, the Democrats have three advantages: First, they've effectively winnowed the field to three credible candidates versus the Republicans' five; second, with the exception of Hilary, the rest of the field is more likable than the Republicans' offerings; and third, THEY'RE NOT REPUBLICANS! After the last seven years under Bush, the Republicans look about as attractive as Wesley Snipes and Patrick Swayze in drag after a week-long bender. I'm going to make this one short and sweet: Hilary is perhaps the most hated woman in politics since Imelda Marcos, but she looks strong in Iowa and New Hampshire. Barack Obama will continue to feel some love from Oprah, which surprises me because all of her shows are about why men are the root of every last FUCKING bit of evil in the world, including that committed by women. Rant aside, I also like his chances. Edwards is perhaps the most disgusting of the candidates, and I loathe him. However, likely Democratic Party voters don't, especially in the early primary states, so he's also a solid chance. My pick: Too close to call, with Obama having a slight edge overall and a huge edge in momentum.

Finally, there's Mayor Bloomberg. I know we went over this before, but lately, his rumblings of the last several months have taken more of an urgent tone. His positives are that, as mayor of New York, he has enjoyed approval ratings Giuliani couldn't have achieved in even his most sordid wet dreams. If it comes down to him versus Clinton and any Republican, I think we could easily have our first independent president since, perhaps, Washington himself.

Enjoy the music.

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