Bullshit, and then funny shit: Snave, this is a shout out to you.

In the spirit of mass consumerism and a complete and utter disregard for the family togetherness that should be and has historically been the focus for most Western holidays over the course of the last couple of millennia or so, I'm not going to focus on what makes me happy. Instead, I'm going to fart on Santa's lap a few times and make a few wishes, and no one would have to wish for them if the respective situations weren't bullshit. The phrasing was intentional. Follow that link for a very good laugh. Anyway, on with my verbal flatus.

1) Dear Santa: I want Eric Volz free A YEAR AGO! In the U.S., Eric Volz would never have been arrested, much less held as a political prisoner as is happening in Nicaragua. The background: Mr. Volz's girlfriend, Doris Jimenez, was murdered in San Juan del Sur on Tuesday, November 21, 2006 between 11:45 a.m. and 1:00 p.m. while Mr. Volz was in Managua, some two hours away. Witnesses place him in Managua at the time of the murder. Cell phone records place him in Managua at the time of the murder. Internet records even place him outside of San Juan del Sur at the time of the murder. Yet, by virtue of Nicaragua's irredeemably corrupt judicial system, not only was he arrested and tried for brutally murdering his girlfriend, one of the main suspects, who had substantial forensic evidence linking him to the crime, was one of the witnesses against him. Had the minister of injustice over the case been interested in the truth, it would have been a matter of minutes to conclude he had nothing whatsoever to do with this horrible crime. Instead, he has been denied his basic human rights, had his life threatened by fellow inmates and the prison guards, the latter both actively and through their gross negligence of his health. He has since been declared INNOCENT by Nicaragua's appellate courts, yet he remains in prison. This is a gross injustice and should be an outrage to the civilized world. I believe there should be people in prison in this case, and first and foremost among them is "Judge" Ivette Toruño Blanco, the minister of gross injustice responsible for both his wrongful conviction and his continued incarcertation. May she roast slowly in the most rat-infested, shit-impacted bowels of Hell for the torment she has caused this innocent man, his family, and his friends.

2) Dear Santa: I want Mike Huckabee's campaign to implode much like Rudy "Blah, blah blah, 9/11" Giuliani's campaign has. Anyone who seriously thinks that the cynically-named "Fair Tax" is a good idea automatically disqualifies themselves from the pool of intelligent thinkers. Granted, he's a Republican, although he's not a Clinton, but his verbal rectal explosions trump the smelly, hot air to which we have become accustomed over the last 16 years from the Clinton and Bush families. Granted, I'm a libertarian and have very narrow views on the proper scope of government and tax collection in general, but I'm sure progressives, independents, and thinking conservatives can all see how much of a stupid fucking idea this is. When you add in his subtle (and occasionally, not so subtle) religious intolerance, I find him even less appealing than a particularly nasty case of the clap.

3) Dear Santa: My final wish is that Hilary Clinton not get the Democratic Party nomination for president. While I'm not opposed to a woman becoming president, I want the RIGHT woman, or man, or gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender individual, or whatever the unholy FUCK Richard Simmons is, to be president. We've dealt with 7 years of truly shitty leadership, and while it would be difficult for her, or in fact, anyone not named Mike Huckabee, to do as poorly as the current President, she is not that person. She has a different position on each issue for every audience, and while she's an adequate Senator, that does not a great president make. Also, who really wants to hear about her husband banging interns... I'm sorry, not banging interns; getting sucked off by them, in the White House yet again? I find her every bit as loathsome from a conservative standpoint, a modern liberal standpoint, and my own libertarian standpoint, and much like that unholy alliance between the National Organization for Women and Larry Flynt came to support Bill Clinton, I've seen the gripes that could form a firestorm that would torch Hil's presidential hopes much like a blunt that her husband claimed to smoke once but not inhale.

Enjoy this video for yet another blast of Christmas cheer.