Aries: Your symbol is a Ram. However, you're an ass.
Taurus: Your symbol is a bull, which is fitting because you're full of shit.
Gemini: Your symbol is a twin, or metaphorically, being of two minds. Thank you so ever much for being that guy who takes a half hour deciding between citrus and regular Listerine in the store.
Cancer: Your symbol is a crab. Aaaah, so many jokes, so little time.
Leo: Your symbol is a lion, but you're really just a farting kitten.
Virgo: Your symbol is every bit as rare as a unicorn: a virgin. If you watch enough horror movies, you know the only real use for virgins.
Libra: Your symbol is the scales of justice. They say justice is blind. See your optometrist as soon as possible, you myopic fuck.
Scorpio: Your symbol is a scorpion. You're just all cute and cuddly, aren't you?
Saggitarius: Your symbol is the archer. Too bad your aim is often poor.
Capricorn: Your symbol is the goat, as evidenced by your appetites.
Aquarius: Your symbol is the water bearer. Maybe that's why you have a bladder the size of a thimble.
Pisces: Your symbol is the fish, yet your odor is that of one that's been in the sun for three days.
This little bit of cynicism was brought to you by your friend, Fred. Remember that I fall into one of these twelve signs, and that I did not do myself any favours. I'm just in the mood to be a shit.